State to sell naming rights in desperate effort to raise funds
Posted by Scott "The Piper" St. Clair - April 01, 2009Olympia, April 1, 2009 - The hottest rumor circulating throughout the Washington State Capitol today is the behind-the-scenes deal being cobbled together by House and Senate budget writers and the Governor’s office to craft a program to raise revenue by selling naming rights to any and everything owned, leased, or otherwise controlled by the state.
From the actual name of the state on down to a box of paperclips in a state office in Twisp, everything will be up for grabs, with no reasonable offer refused. Some suggestions have already come in with legislative and governor’s office staffers eagerly mulling them for their revenue-generating potential.
For example, in an effort to rehabilitate its public image, insurance giant AIG is bidding to have the state public employee retirement system re-named AIG Bonus Bucks. A technicality has arisen, however, as to whether that would mean retired state workers would have to give their pensions to the federal government as part of the effort to recapture anything that smacks of bonuses associated with AIG. When asked if this would be a problem, Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown muttered, “Let them eat annuities…” 
Even the names of public officials themselves will be on the block. Word has it that disgraced financier Bernie Madoff, who has managed to keep his hands (or his wife’s) on well over $60 million in cash and other assets, has, through his attorneys, put in the first bid to re-name the governor. Whether the deal would require the currently-named Gov. Christine Gregoire to incorporate “Bernie Madoff” into her name, or change it completely to Gov. Bernie Madoff is, as of this writing, unclear. Nothing is being ruled out, however. 
(soon-to-be re-named Gov. Gregoire about to lay a big one on about-to-be disgraced and soon-to-be former New York Gov. Elliott Spitzer at a Gregoire campaign kickoff event in 2007)
In pre-program-announcement negotiations, a deal was struck with Native American gaming interests to re-name the governor’s mansion, Tulalip Bingo South. Wednesday night specials of two game cards for the price of one are expected to be a hot draw.The State Capitol Building cafeteria is expected to be re-named in honor of a popular restaurant chain, henceforth to be known as Hooter’s Hall. 
No word on whether legislators will be required to wear hot pants in conformity with Hooter’s corporate policy. Again, however, nothing is out of bounds. House Speaker Frank Chopp (soon to be re-named Soupy Sales) 
personally has guaranteed that the Hooter’s $5.99 boneless chicken wings and fries special will be honored for the balance of the legislative session.
No word on whether legislators will be required to wear hot pants in conformity with Hooter’s corporate policy. Again, however, nothing is out of bounds. House Speaker Frank Chopp (soon to be re-named Soupy Sales) 
personally has guaranteed that the Hooter’s $5.99 boneless chicken wings and fries special will be honored for the balance of the legislative session.Not to be outdone, conservative interests are entering the bidding. Initiative guru 
Tim Eyman will be having his name and likeness tattooed on Sen. Adam Kline's chest.
Tim Eyman will be having his name and likeness tattooed on Sen. Adam Kline's chest.
Evergreen Freedom Foundation’s Bob Williams is thought to be mulling a bid to have every Washington State Ferry re-christened the Boondoggle I through XXVI, inclusive, with the new ferry currently under construction to be named the Tiny Titanic.
Whether this effort will generate enough cold, hard cash to fund the state budget for the next biennium is anybody’s guess. But at a minimum, it will make living in the state a whole lot more fun.
Happy April 1st!
The Piper
Thoughts? Add Comment -
Jeremy said on Apr 01 2009 at 1:16pm
Laughter is good like a medicine!
:-J